i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
