wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
