My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
