Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
