Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
