he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
