When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
