Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
