A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
