Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
