i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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