I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Come on in and take your pants off
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