why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
