I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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