Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize