my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
