We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
