There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Even my vagina gasped.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
