Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
