I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
