You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
