i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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