you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
please come you make the beer taste better
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
