So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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