The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
