i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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