Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize