i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need to sanitize my soul.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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