my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
