My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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