either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
