Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
