When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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