Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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