Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
