I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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