It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
