Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
