How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
