The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
