My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
