No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
