Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
