I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
