I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
