Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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