Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
