one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
