I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
