I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
