When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
