"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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