so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
