Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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