Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
