Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
