he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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