I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
